Funny Retirement Quotes

By using funny retirement quotes, you can help set the right mood when giving a toast to honor a retiree.

A retirement party is a time of celebration and reflection and with the right toast, you can leave everyone with a great memory of the moment.

The toast is often the highlight of the party. It should always include best wishes and a statement or quote that applies to the retiree.

Below are some funny quotes that can be adapted for any toast.

  • There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.          ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes~
  • Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.  ~Jonathan Clements~
  • The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.  ~George Foreman~                
  • There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!  ~Groucho Marx~
  • When you retire, you switch bosses – from the one who hired you to the one who married you.  ~Gene Perret~
  • Retirement must be wonderful. I mean, you can suck in your stomach for only so long.  ~Burt Reynolds~
  • Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache...unless you play golf.  ~Gene Perret~
  • Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.  ~Jim Bishop~
  • Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.  ~Harry Vardon~
  • If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.  ~Doug Larson~

More Quotes

  • The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.  ~Abe Lemons~
  • There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.  ~Robert Half~
  • When some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to be able to tell the difference.  ~Virginia Graham~
  • In retirement, I look for days off from my days off.  ~Mason Cooley~
  • Retirement, a time to enjoy life! A time to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, how you want to do it.  ~Catherine Pulsifer~
  • Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, “Hi, Honey, I'm home – forever.”  ~Gene Perret~
  • Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.  ~Gene Perret~
  • I'm now as free as the breeze – with roughly the same income. ~Gene Perret~

Author Unknown

  • Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
  • You have to put off being young until you can retire.
  • The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
  • When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house, you know you are retired.
  • when you stop living at work and begin working at living.
  • Fishing yesterday, Fishing today, Fishing tomorrow. I must be retired.
  • In your retirement years never drink coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake in the afternoon.
  • The down side about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.
  • Retirement: World's longest coffee break.
  • May all that you have contributed to this company pay off in fish and birdies.
  • I like retirement life. It's something to do.
  • Life begins at retirement.
  • Never regret growing old; not everyone has that privilege.
  • I'm retired – goodbye tension, hello pension!
  • The nicest part about retiring is to be able to sit at your desk for that one last time-to review all the company problems yet to be solved, all the corporate hassles in search of resolution, and the rocky economic road still to be trod-and softly say to yourself, "Th-th-th-th-th-that's all folks!"
  • Retirement is that marvelous time of life when the sun rises and you don't.

Hopefully, these funny retirement quotes will help provide you with a heartwarming and memorable retirement toast.


If you are looking for a quote that is a little more serious then take a look at these inspirational quotes.


Maybe you would like to include a poem in your toast or on a card? If so, then take a look at some of these poems.



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